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05 October 2012 @ 05:44 pm
The Pain of Learning the Way I Do  
I keep doing it, and I never learn any different. God, I am such a fucking mess on the inside.

I'm so starved for close human contact that I latch onto any source of hope or friendship if I think it'll yield the slightest bit of love. I may not know you, like at all, but if you're kind to me I'll follow you around offering you my heart in my hands. How screwed up is that?!

Who does that?!

Who is so weak and vulnerable to offer their all to a total stranger and actually expect love and admiration in return?
It's impossible to care about somebody that wants to be your welcome mat. Ha, that was almost clever. Maybe I should change my name to "Welcome."

The truth is... I think I love too much. I expect too much, even of myself. No wonder I'm constantly disappointed - I can't even meet my own standards. I'm too sensitive.

I guess that's what growing up is all about; learning to cope, learning how to deal with each situation. When I was little I thought my parents just instinctively knew how to deal with everything. It wasn't until I became one myself that I started to see that even my own parents weren't perfect. They made mistakes, still make mistakes, and hopefully learned from each one.

But somewhere I stopped learning.. I settled down. I used to have it. I didn't use to be such a whiny bitch, but that's what LJ is for, right?

I think that with people nothing can be broken that can't be fixed.
People are not snowflakes. And we're not like ancient vases. We might require more work but, if broken, we can be fixed. One other thing about being an adult is having to fix yourself. No one else will do it for you. No one can fix me but me.

I think part of that is accepting the fact that I'm a little pathetic, a little lonely, a little messed up, even a bit desperate. I can live with that.

Just so long as I actually try to put the pieces back together and not just sit there and cry over it.

And that's the hardest part - figuring out how.
 
 
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