Log in

07 July 2009 @ 05:00 pm
Transformers: Revenge of I Want My Money Back  
First off, I would like to say that I went into Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with an extremely open mind. As you may remember; I HATED the first one. They butchered it, disrespected the fans, and made a mockery of the grand storytelling that the original cartoon had. I had high expectations for the first one, waited for it for years; following it's every ounce of information that was leaked onto the internet; and was still severely disappointed.

Thus, when Erik and I went to the movie theater to see what time Star Trek was showing next, (great film, BTW) found out we missed the last showing, and decided to see Trasnsformers: ROTF instead, I thought; "Hey, the last one sucked balls, this one can't possibly be any worse!"

Boy was I wrong. The best part of the movie was that I did get to donate a dollar to charity at the box office.

CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD! If you have not seen this movie, but plan to and do not want anything ruined for you (not that you should have anything to look forward to) do not continue reading and do not click the cut below.

Okay, the first few minutes were cool, showing primal man hunting a tiger and stumbling across a giant machine of some kind, with neat looking robot monsters crawling all over it. Then: *POOF* Opening title. "Okay," I think to myself, "That was cool."

After about 10 minutes I was ready to walk out. After about an hour, I stopped keeping track of all the mistakes and errors, and my brain just kind of gelled into a mush similar to lukewarm pudding. My head tilted to the side, and my eyes began following motion and color. I actually had to turn my brain off to even understand this movie, and even that was a stretch. There was so much wrong with it, I'll only hit the high (or should I say "low") lights.

First off; the acting, or I should say LACK thereof.

Shia LeBouf's acting (in every movie, mind you, not just this one) reminds me of that hyperactive UPS guy from Mad TV a few years back, constantly adding little snippets of dialog after his lines are finished that do nothing but reiterate what he had said previously. SHUT UP ALREADY!

Then there were his parents: shining beacons of sophomoric humor the likes of which are untouched by today's cinematic experiences. The masturbation joke from the first film was arguably the highlight of that film and not ten minutes into ROTF, the sex jokes started again. And didn't stop until the end of the movie. Dogs humping, pretend blow jobs, lots of T&A shots. And there was that nice and completely useless scene of the fembot terminatrix seducing the main character and the camera focused so tightly on the underside of her babydoll dress.

And speaking of T&A, Megan fox is pretty, but let's face it, the only reason she was in this movie is because she has an ass. She did a fine job of pouting and batting her enormous eyelashes all while having this sweaty glaze on the entirety of her body like she'd gone through the sugar waterfall at the local Krispy Kreme before shooting.

And, oh God, let us not forget the oscar-worthy performances of the roommate, and the butcher, and the US military...

And please, don't get me started on the Autobot twins. In this day and age of open minds and acceptance, when is it okay to make fun of an entire ethnic community through racial stereotyping?

Secondly; the script.

Wow. Um, was there a story in there, somewhere? I thought I saw one in the background for five minutes about a half an hour before the movie ended. What, Oh, no? It must have been my imagination. My mistake.

Okay, quick geography lesson: (I'll make this simple so the writers of the film can follow along) Pyramids = Egypt. The city of Petra = Jordan. Egypt =/= Jordan and yet, the two were seen as being only a few minutes run from each other. The characters are in Petra, turn the camera, and they're running toward the pyramids. Seriously, do you think people that know basic geography DON'T go see movies? (Same with gay jokes and gay people, but that's a whole 'nuther can o worms)

Next, the pyramids themselves. There are three (major) pyramids in Giza. The one in the middle (AKA the pyramid of Khafre, for all you archaeologists out there) has kind of a "cap" on the top, an outcropping of rock that forms a protuberance around the apex of the pyramid. Please note that only ONE of these pyramids has this. So, in the final battle, when Devastator is seen crawling up the pyramid of Khafre and then proceeds to trash the top; why, in the background, can we see the SAME pyramid - completely unscathed? Way to drop the ball there, scriptwriters. BTW, it only took me a few moments on google to figure out which pyramid was which. Perhaps you should have done the same?

Also, for those of you that have seen the movie, did anyone else notice in the scene where Megatron is torturing Sam in the warehouse district, after the Autobots bust in and the chase ensues; suddenly we've gone from a gritty, urban warehouse district to a verdant forest? Literally between shots...

Third: The speshul effects. And yes, I know I spelled that wrong.

Megan fox was actually quoted as saying that people didn't go to see this movie for the story, meaning that they went to it to see giant robots kicking the shit out of each other. Well, there was plenty of that. As a matter of fact, that's ALL there was. But first things first.

The transformers themselves look awesome! They've come a long way from the blocky shapes they used to be. Now they are sleek, hot new cars. And the robot modes look pretty slick, too. Too bad you can't see one transform from one shape to another without the camera zipping around the metallic mess that is the transformation sequence. I could not even tell what was happening, the camera was shooting around the action so quickly that....something was happening. Not sure what. There was a car there, but now it's a robot. M'kay.

Devastator looked cool, right? Am I right? For those not in the know, Devastator is the biggest, strongest bad guy. He's formed by several individual transformers combing into a larger one. All these pieces have individual vehicle modes, all of which are based on construction equipment. A bulldozer, a crane, a cement mixer, a dump truck, etc. So, why after they combined into Devastator and began climbing up the Pyramid of Khafre, were all the individual transformers seen simultaneously fighting the battle at the base of the pyramid? Oops.

And about that big, huge, seemingly endless battle at the base of the pyramid: fifteen three-story deceptacons can't wipe out a handful of soldiers? Most of the action scenes were the soldiers running and hiding behind stuff, looking over their shoulders, firing at nothing. Apparently 15 nothings.

There was simply so much wrong with this movie, that my head would explode if I tried to mention them all. But, let us not forget the robot humping a human leg, transformer testacles, the mention of robots having descendants (how? Robots can't reproduce!), the hyper frenetic camera shots that are so blurry you can't even tell what's going on, a flatulent robot (seriously, I cannot make this up), the seemingly out of place "oldest transformer on the planet" (thousands of years old, BTW) being an SR-71 Blackbird, a fighter plane having first been built in 1962, and last but not least, the constant sexual humor in a movie aimed at 14 year-olds.

Wow. That was cool.</sarcasm> This movie was so bad, I left the theater pissed off at everything I loved as a child. I even told Erik that I had no interest in a Masters of the Universe movie. That isn't true, of course, but ROTF reminded me of why other countries HATE americans. Yes, it is that bad.

In conclusion, nothing sums it quite as neatly as the great Robot Chicken.

Current Mood: angryMichael Bay Must Die
Current Music: Beethoven - Symphony #9 in D minor