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The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
05 October 2012 @ 05:44 pm
I keep doing it, and I never learn any different. God, I am such a fucking mess on the inside.

I'm so starved for close human contact that I latch onto any source of hope or friendship if I think it'll yield the slightest bit of love. I may not know you, like at all, but if you're kind to me I'll follow you around offering you my heart in my hands. How screwed up is that?!

Who does that?!

Who is so weak and vulnerable to offer their all to a total stranger and actually expect love and admiration in return?
It's impossible to care about somebody that wants to be your welcome mat. Ha, that was almost clever. Maybe I should change my name to "Welcome."

The truth is... I think I love too much. I expect too much, even of myself. No wonder I'm constantly disappointed - I can't even meet my own standards. I'm too sensitive.

I guess that's what growing up is all about; learning to cope, learning how to deal with each situation. When I was little I thought my parents just instinctively knew how to deal with everything. It wasn't until I became one myself that I started to see that even my own parents weren't perfect. They made mistakes, still make mistakes, and hopefully learned from each one.

But somewhere I stopped learning.. I settled down. I used to have it. I didn't use to be such a whiny bitch, but that's what LJ is for, right?

I think that with people nothing can be broken that can't be fixed.
People are not snowflakes. And we're not like ancient vases. We might require more work but, if broken, we can be fixed. One other thing about being an adult is having to fix yourself. No one else will do it for you. No one can fix me but me.

I think part of that is accepting the fact that I'm a little pathetic, a little lonely, a little messed up, even a bit desperate. I can live with that.

Just so long as I actually try to put the pieces back together and not just sit there and cry over it.

And that's the hardest part - figuring out how.
Current Mood: coldWhat I thought I Wanted
Current Music: Britney Spears - Gasoline
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
25 March 2012 @ 12:37 am
There's always been a part of me that totally wanted to fit in, to be accepted, to be one of many, a cog in the machine. Several years ago I felt like I had found this niche. And I reveled in it. I made friends, mostly online, and started venturing out in the real world with these people.

But I was dissatisfied. The people I met were desperate, pathetic losers with no idea who they were. I didn't want to be that, be like them. My spirit was and is stronger. I was destined for greater.

My dissatisfaction comes from deep within. I'm such a snob. God, it's annoying. How bad does it have to be when you annoy yourself?

And yet, here on these insomniac nights, I find myself looking for these people, their art, their culture - and honestly a small part of me wants to join in. Be part of it. It's all very charming. On the surface. I found something rather sinister and ultimately childish about it. Sure, it would be fun. Maybe. But do I have to become like them to join? Do I forego any sense of maturity, copability, relinquishment, or even sanity?

I suppose that's true of getting too deep into any culture. It would be easy to sell out, vomit up the intestinal fortitude it takes to stand against the wind and not be like all the others.

I WANT to fit in. But I'm too much of a cynic. I take things far more seriously, even though I behave like a first grader. I hate people who are like me.

You're happy? Go get hit by a bus.

You're stubborn? I guarantee I can outlast you.

You're vain? I.... don't care what I look like when I set foot outside my front door. Well, to a certain extent I do, but there are such things as decency and a little self-respect is healthy.

You tried to insult me? First your opinion would even have to matter to me.

You're a hypocrite? Go fuck yourself.

Am I cutting my nose off in spite of my face? Perhaps. I guess it's time - once again - to remind myself that the path I choose to walk carries with it consequences, just as any decision does.

So why do I still yearn for something I know isn't mine, and is still so close but still so far away? Is that simply human nature? Is that simply MY nature? Am I, after all, only human?

I refuse to accept that. Don't lump me in with the petty, squabbling, and mewling masses that beg and vie for some semblance or what's right now, what's trendy. I aspire to more. They do not. Empathy is a great gift and burden. Scanning people is like shining a light in the darkness - with nothing there to reflect the light, you still can't see anything. It's still so amazing to me how seductive the dark can be.

But I still want more. I want so much more. I once asked a friend if that made me vain. She said it made me visionary. I don't really know if that's true or not, but I cling to the slippery possibility that she was right.
Current Mood: hornyFuck you. Fuck me?
Current Music: Fever Ray - We Share Our Mother's Health
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
11 October 2011 @ 11:29 pm
No matter how hard I try, I just can't keep from failing. This world seems designed to trap you, and when you fall - keep you down.

So once again, I come here to haunt the blank HTML filled boxes that is LiveJournal. Most of my friends are gone, and haven't posted in a really long time. But I'm still here, just like always. I see without being seen, know without being known. At least I'm sticking to what I'm good at.

Professional lurker, that's me. Decade long lurker on he-man.org, not allowed to join. Even Facebook's losing its charms, not that it ever really had any. Just an easy way to keep in touch with friends spread across the country.

Oh my dear God in heaven, please don't tell me I actually liked a Justin Beiber song. This is what the desperation of my current situation has driven me to - looking up really bad music on youtube at quarter after eleven at night.

I feel empty, and then happy, and then empty again. It's a sick cycle, the lows increasingly low and the highs decreasing in not only frequency but also potency. Yes, I'm sure I'm depressed but who isn't really? There's so much wrong out there it's hard not to feel completely banjaxed on the inside as well. I know you know exactly what I mean.

So much of what I put into myself is just crap, and I guess it's true what they say that you get out what you put in. Reap what you sow, karma's a bitch, life sucks and then you die. But, at least for a little while, the things I like are nice and make me feel like there's still something worth holding onto in the world. Christ, I feel like a machine that long ago ran out of fuel but still somehow managed to keep functioning.

Seriously, why would youtube even give us the choice to skip ads? Who WOULDN'T?

Tomorrow's a brand new day, exactly like every day before it. Coffee in the morning, fake smiles until four, somewhere there's food, more fake smiles, and then time to sleep off reality until it's time to do it all over again.

Oh, who even cares at this point. Hell, even I'm sick of reading this drivel.
Current Mood: blahWhatever.
Current Music: Don't even ask
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
27 September 2011 @ 11:30 am
Well, it's come and gone. The first annual Powercon - a He-Man and She-Ra convention.

After months of anticipation it, like all other good things, has ended. I went into it expecting a great many things, and my hopes were not in vain. I had a blast, and it didn't (as so many wonderful things tend to do) feel like it ended before it began. The people were amazing, so friendly, and I got some really cool swag. Posted below is a list of things I got:

~Two MOC Battle Armor He-Man (MotUC) and Moss Man (a third because I love him so much)
~A commemorative art book filled with early production designs
~A commissioned portrait of Frosta
~An exclusive mini-comic signed by Scott Neitlich
~Two commemorative magazines, one signed by Alan Oppenheimer
~Melendy Britt's autograph
~And two hugs and a picture from Erika Scheimer :)

And I walked away from the whole thing with something much, much more valuable. I didn't realize that it was happening at the time, but discovered it when I had made it all the way back home.

For thirty years, I've never felt like I belonged with anyone or anywhere. I'm not like other people, I don't think the same, I don't feel the same, I don't like the same things... It's always felt like me against the world. No allies, no one with everything in common. That's why I tried so hard to fit in with the furries, but they didn't really want me, and truth be told I don't really want them either.

But being at the convention, there were dozens of people around me, taking pictures of the same action figures in giant glass display cases, talking about the same things I was, buying the same things I was, getting excited over the same things I was. It was a foreign, but welcome, feeling.

And then, when I got home last night, I realized what it was - a place to belong. And I wouldn't give that up for anything. It made me feel like I'm not alone, that I was wanted, even. Do you know what a warm and wonderful feeling that is, to be liked and accepted for who you are?

While there I got to meet the administrator of He-man.org and several moderators from the forums. They all wanted me to join, become "one of the family" as Val put it. It made me feel so less alone. And that is probably the number one thing I will remember about my time spent there.

So, I'm going to work on getting into he-man.org (it's not as easy as it may seem). After all, I've been lurking there for a decade.

Maybe things are starting to turn around for me. I know that I come across as sarcastic and bitter, sometimes funny, sometimes smart, sometimes completely weird, and sometimes mean. But it's all a cover. The real me, the me on the inside is small, timid, shy, thoughtful, and far more fragile than even my own mother could guess. The internet is the great equalizer, and we're all the same here, with the same possibilities and outcomes of who we want to be. Maybe it's time I start taking a hard look at myself, and becoming the person I want to be. He's likeable, right? He's a nerd, sometimes stupid, sometimes tender, but always rad.

Inspiration and truth can be found from the strangest places, as long as you look for them. I guess mine came from a thirty year old cartoon about a guy in furry underwear that carries a sword but can't be shown literally hitting anyone.

And that's alright, because I am.
Current Mood: calmBittersweet Ambivalence
Current Music: The Birthday Massacre - Video Kid
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
28 August 2011 @ 01:17 am
I know it's been forever since I've been here, but it looks like it's been longer for you, so what difference does it make?

I've been searching again, as always, searching for where and who I belong with. Not such an easy thing to understand. Appearances can be deceiving and things that once looked so wonderful can deteriorate. Something that once was strong can crumble.

Maybe the truth is that I never had what I thought I did in the first place. Sure, there were warning signs, but part of being an adult is knowing what really matters and what does not. Was I willing to accept mediocrity for even the slightest modicum of comfort? I lost myself in my own disillusionment.

Old feelings have taken me back to places I know I shouldn't go, looking for Justin again, wishing things had been different. The broken friendship we had was not completely my fault, and what I thought I wanted at the time was never what was meant for me, but there was still so much more we could have had. As friends.

And that's what I think I need now more than anything else. I wish I still knew Justin, but in doing so I'm lying to myself that I'm okay. Longing for something so sweetly toxic is a sign that something is wrong. I know what it is, but I dare not even allow myself to think it. I don't want to, I do. Like a butterfly with a wasp sting, I'm terrified to hold onto something beautiful. But the truth of the matter is that it isn't perfect. It never will be. And what will I have after I lose it? Nothing. And I will have completely lost myself in the process.

For once, however, I know who I am and what I'm capable of.

"You know, for an apology, that sounded a lot like a breakup."
Current Mood: annoyedVacant
Current Music: Sirenia - Seven Keys and Nine Doors
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
17 April 2010 @ 10:59 am
Do you collect anything? If so, describe your favorite collection (past or present).
Masters of the Universe Classics figures! Such a bittersweet hobby thanks to Mattel.

Anything and everything Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Now THAT'S an addiction. It's the same as gambling, but aimed at children. It used to be Pokemon cards, but then I grew up. Haha.

Rare CDs, DVDs, and video games. Rarest game would have to be Suikoden 2.

And my collections collect things, too. Mostly dust. They're really good at that.
Current Music: The Reindeer Section - You Are My Joy
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
22 November 2009 @ 11:49 am
Current Mood: happyhappy
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
17 November 2009 @ 10:18 pm
Current Mood: bouncyHELL YES
Current Music: ...what do you think?
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
16 August 2009 @ 01:03 pm
Please forgive the multiple posts in one day (that's annoying as hell) but I HAD to share this!!

After how many years of waiting? I'm pretty jazzed. As it turns out, it's also being screened here in Denver at the Tivoli. I'm going thursday if I can get my shift covered. I can't miss this. Also: FUNimation has announced the DVD release date as November 10, 2009. I am so excited!


...I think I just came.
Current Music: Bach - Orchestral Suite No.3 in D major
The Last Guardian of Anwat Gar
22 July 2009 @ 07:34 pm
I've decided to build a new community for Masters of the Universe and all related ilk. If you have any interest in joining, check it out: http://community.livejournal.com/motu_universe/profile .I will be updating it regularly as new info and pictures become available. Any questions, let me know! =)
Current Mood: happyI have the power!